Those Words from A Dad That Helped Us as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth rapidly became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a larger failure to talk among men, who often hold onto damaging ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a display of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to take a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "bad decisions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their pain, changed how they express themselves, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."