Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.