I Believed Myself to Be a Homosexual Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Discover the Actual Situation

During 2011, a couple of years before the celebrated David Bowie show debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a gay woman. Up to that point, I had only been with men, including one I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself approaching middle age, a recently separated parent to four children, living in the US.

Throughout this phase, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and romantic inclinations, seeking out understanding.

My birthplace was England during the early 1970s - before the internet. When we were young, my peers and I lacked access to social platforms or digital content to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; instead, we turned toward music icons, and throughout the eighties, artists were playing with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned male clothing, The Culture Club frontman wore girls' clothes, and bands such as well-known groups featured members who were publicly out.

I craved his narrow hips and precise cut, his strong features and flat chest. I wanted to embody the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I lived operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I reverted back to conventional female presentation when I decided to wed. My partner relocated us to the United States in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull back towards the manhood I had previously abandoned.

Considering that no artist experimented with identity to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a seasonal visit returning to England at the gallery, anticipating that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by losing myself in the opulence of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, stumble across a hint about my own identity.

Quickly I discovered myself standing in front of a modest display where the visual presentation for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking stylish in a slate-colored ensemble, while positioned laterally three backing singers wearing women's clothing gathered around a microphone.

In contrast to the drag queens I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a fleeting feeling of understanding for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I knew for certain that I wanted to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I craved his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his angular jaw and his male chest; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as gay was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening prospect.

I needed several more years before I was willing. In the meantime, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my women's clothing, trimmed my tresses and commenced using men's clothes.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and regret had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a stint in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Positioned before the identical footage in 2018, I knew for certain that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag all his life. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, moving in the illumination, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a medical professional not long after. The process required another few years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I anticipated materialized.

I still have many of my female characteristics, so people often mistake me for a gay man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to play with gender following Bowie's example - and now that I'm at peace with myself, I can.